Finding the Right Fertility Doctor: Entering the Twlight Zone

All I can say is people, I seriously could not make this stuff up!

“There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone. ”

Today I went to see a new doctor. I have been looking high and low for an MD who takes a holistic approach to health. For although I see the many advantages of western medicine, I also fear that far too often western medicine only has a Band-Aid to offer–seeking to cure the symptom, rather than the underlying cause.

So, I made an appointment with this new doctor who specializes in holistic medicine. OK, so sounds good so far right? 

Well, when making the appointment I found it odd that first the scheduler told me I would have to pay for the appointment day of (even though they accept my insurance), which I refused to do. Then, that the practice was in a house and I had to “ring the doorbell between the garage doors and someone would let me in.” Seriously? Did I just hear that right?

I decided to give them the benefit of doubt however because I do live on the East Coast where many times businesses reside in old houses converted into business offices, and maybe they had problems with insurance fraud.

Well, today was the big day, and here is how my appointment progressed.

Drive up: holy cow, they weren’t kidding–two garage doors with a doorbell in between (um, I think this is seriously someone’s house: note, it was).

Buzz the bell and slowly the garage door goes up, with three people standing there just looking at me (OK, just go with it).

Walk into the “office” only to be greeted by the doctor (who was, I’m not kidding you, probably about 4 feet tall) screaming at the “secretary” because the “secretary” had let the intern open the garage door, and that was not an intern job, only the secretary can do that.

So, yeah, a little weird right?

I am still hanging in there though. Maybe she is just quirky, you know, mad scientist of sorts–but brilliant.

I tell her I have an appointment and she tells me to have a seat in the “waiting room” and someone will be with me.

I make it through the mandatory paperwork, etc. and as I am finishing signing the last form, out of the “bathroom” (at least that is what the sign on the door said) walks some guy in a lab coat (who, side note, is TOTALLY checking me out, which seems odd because he looks like he is another doctor or nurse or something).

Finish the form and return it to the “secretary” who looks like she is contemplating an ax murder of the doctor. Come back out and sit down.

Watch the lab coat guy walk back into the “bathroom” (staring at me again) only to emerge 30 seconds later with some woman. What the?!?!

Woman leaves and stalker lab coat guy returns into the “bathroom” while constantly looking over to stare at me. 

Now at this point I was texting my husband and seriously considering getting up and leaving—except I couldn’t get out without the beaten down secretary to push the garage door button.

Oh crap, here comes lab coat guy again. He emerges from the “bathroom,” calls the guy next to me to go into the “bathroom” with him, then they both disappear.

Do I laugh, or cry, or look for a window to jump out of? Which, by the way there were no windows in the entire “office.”

Well, to make a long story shorter, I did stay, was taken back into the room where she sees patients, had my arm almost cut-off while the supposed nurse (who looked like she had fallen asleep in a tanning bed for 15 consecutive days) was taking my blood pressure.

After the “nurse” left the room (though I wasn’t alone because someone was on the other side of the curtain doing god knows what) I notice there is a case with cheesy thrift store jewelry, and I mean cheesy-like Salvation Army display case from the 70s cheesy, for sale in the appointment room. Seriously?

At this point I KNEW I had entered the Twilight Zone.

Twenty minutes later when the doctor finally came in, she informed me that she could not answer any of my questions about FSH or hormones and do my annual check-up; I would have to pick one and make another appointment for the other. Also, that I would need a separate appointment to come back so she could tell me what my cholesterol was when it came back from Quest. Gee, money hungry much?

You have no idea just how fast I got out of there as soon as that garage door went up. That was sincerely one of the most insane hours of my life.

Needless to say, I called a friend on my way home and ended up laughing so hard I almost drove off the road.

This journey to conception is anything but easy. Yet, I’ll be darned if there aren’t some really hilarious episodes along the way in this cliff hanger mini-series! Today, mine was the Twlight Zone.

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4 comments

  1. OMG! At least you can laugh about! Thank you for sharing this adventure. I am glad you made it out alive. Ummm, did you ever find out what was going on in the bathroom? That seems really creepy.

  2. LOL, yes it was all very creepy. I have no idea what was going on in there, all I knew was that was the last place I intended to go!

  3. This story almost makes me sick on my stomach (while laughing hard out loud!)! Oh my gosh, I am pissed for you that you had to spend the money to even go to this joke. This sick sick joke! Please tell me you copied and pasted this story and link on the Google Review page for this business!!!

    1. I hadn’t, however thanks for that suggestion! I will definitely go “review” this doctor so others don’t have the experience I did–though I have to admit it did give me a really good laugh once I had escaped! 🙂

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