In Celebration of Those Who Tell us we can’t: Fertility from Ferocious Determination

When I was a junior in high school my Spanish teacher, to the entire class, announced that she knew what I was going to be when I grew up . . . a housewife.

Now she meant this as a dig because I wasn’t paying much attention in her extremely boring, and very unchallenging, class. She said it to me in the way of, “you will never amount to anything.” (note: housewives work very hard, so this mention is not to put them down, just pointing out how she was trying to put me down)

That awful woman uttered those words to me 20 years ago, and to this day I STILL hear them in my head.

I heard them when I pushed myself to graduate from college with honors.

I heard them when I applied to graduate school and finished a Master’s degree, while working full-time and supporting myself.

And I hear them in my head as I spend the next year and a half finishing the last part of my PhD.

I hear those words every time I doubt myself, feeling not smart enough, not capable enough to follow the career path my heart leads me down. And I say “thank you” in my head now each time I hear them.

One year ago a doctor who had only met me for five minutes, knew nothing about me, my lifestyle, my condition, my stress level, potential toxins I was exposed to, etc. called to tell me that I would never conceive a child.

Now I hear those words in my head every day.

I heard them when I researched and read all that I could on holistic and natural healing.

I heard them when I searched and found the best acupuncturist, born, raised, and trained as an MD in China, to work with me.

I heard them when my hormones got much, much worse the third month into acupuncture and diet changes, before they rallied.

I heard them when I got so depressed I could not get out of bed, could not eat anything, and could not function (thanks to my hormone free fall).

I heard them when I made one lifestyle change after another.

And I heard them a few days ago when another doctor called to tell me that my FSH had dropped 44 points, something no one in the medical profession I have spoken to had ever seen. I mean sure, FSH fluctuates five, maybe 10 points, but it never drops over 40 points.

Even now as I share this one moment of jubilation–that in listening to my body and taking a different path, one that is right for me, I have found healing–I am hearing voices of other women adding to the choir.

These women respond telling me that it is great, yet does not mean anything–after all their FSH fluctuated from 11 (pretty close to normal) to 7 and they did not get pregnant.

These women tell me that because they have taken a different route and done a few of the things I have, a route that did not work for them, that it will not work for me.

These women want me to join them in the cage they have allowed themselves to be locked in, rather than to see me on the outside and open the door to join me.

And these women take all their insecurities and pain and offer it up on a platter for me to carry for them.

But you know what? I found the DELETE button (is it bad that I giggle a little when I delete their comments?)!

So today, I pay homage to the few in my life who have told me where the boundaries were so that I could blow right through them.

Today I say a warm and hearty “thank you” to those people whose small minds, and limited vision of my capabilities, have erected a fence that was fodder for me to blow right through.

And today, I say to each of you, take my hand and run through the fence with me!

No one can tell you what you can and cannot do, nor what your body is or is not able to create. No one person out there has the power to hold you down.

So when a naysayer comes your way, for they will–most especially the louder you sing of your determination and joy, give them a wink, hit the DELETE button, and put your head down and keep going!

I will see your beautiful faces at the finish line!

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6 comments

  1. You made me cry! And I am riding a recumbent bike at the gym. Good thing no one is here to wonder what the heck is going on 😉 I am so glad you wrote this post- I am right there with you!

    1. LOL Dacia, you rock! What an inspiration you are, riding that recumbent bike on our triathalon. I think I’m in the running leg 🙂 It’s wonderful to look over and know you’re here with me, breaking all the rules, and having a darn good time doing it!

  2. I am loving your blog, what you have to say, and your confidence! Keep up the good work! You go girl!

    You really are healing your infertility. Can’t wait to see your bfp post and all those naysayers eat their catty words!

    1. Thanks so much for your support grace! I know you are a kindred spirit in your resolve to follow your intuition–and go figure, the girl who “couldn’t,” became the girl who has a little bun in the oven all by her natural, magnificent body 🙂 I am so happy for you, and lucky to have you here with me on my journey!

  3. I am so there with you, I was told categorically yesterday that I “can’t” come out of menopause once it’s started, I should just stay on the pill and accept it all. I “don’t need” an ultrasound or any other checks on my health apparently. I fought tooth and nail even just to have a blood test to check my FSH and whether it has or hasn’t gone down – it made me so angry. I’ll keep fighting for the holistic path, and change doctor until I get the right one on my side. Let’s all keep proving the doubters wrong I say, and you’re doing a fantastic job with the blog 😀

    1. Good for you Linz! High FSH, and all that comes with it, seems to be the medical black hole that no doctor can figure out, so they just tell us there is no answer. If I could insert a buzzer here I would, WRONG ANSWER! We know our bodies, and we must advocate for ourselves and our intution. Keep on going and along the way we will teach all those who say we can’t heal a thing or two! It’s wonderful to have women like you as fellow rabble-rousers! 🙂

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