Sometimes the most trying thing about trying to have a baby is that it can feel like an endless effort. Day after day there is a tiny seed, planted in the back of our minds, that seems to grow at a snail’s pace. And even so, or perhaps because of this, needs constant nurturing and watering.
Some days I would simply like to wake up and find that I am at the finish line, that the race is over, that the treadmill belt has finally stopped.
There is a fatigue that can come from an unfulfilled yearning–so biologically embedded that even in our sleep the faint sound of a distant clock ticking can be heard. There is a fatigue in the effort to keep our bodies healthy, our emotions clear, our supplement cabinet stocked, and our relationship with our husbands nurtured.
It can be difficult to see how what has become our struggle can so easily arrive to others, almost thoughtlessly. And while we know that we will continue moving forward, continue the path to healing so that one day we will become mothers, all the trying can become, well trying.
So perhaps it is ok to get tired of the trying every now and then. To allow ourselves to be angry about all the effort and heartache this journey can bring. And also to be sad that ours is not the easy “Baby Story” on TLC.
For even though we may say that we are “taking a break from trying,” we all know that a full break never comes until our journey reaches its conclusion. And sometimes, it’s ok to admit that today we are fatigued; knowing that even so, tomorrow, we will try again.