A Fertile Mindset: I think I can, I think I can….Wait, can I?

funny pictures - I think I can...

Perhaps it is much easier to talk about a fertile mindset than to truly sink down into one.

Lately I am finding that although I take the proper steps, walk the proper walk, there is a deep part of me that is really questioning whether I can be . . . a mother.

In my outer world I am a confident woman. I am a strong woman. I am an intelligent woman. I am a capable woman. I am a determined woman. I pretty much have it all together.

Yet what is on the outside does not always match what is on the inside. When I am truly, truly honest with myself I find a well of self-doubt and fear underneath that tough exterior.

Most recently I realized that although every step I take is leading me to healing, what is deep down on the inside is still quite ill at ease.

I mean really, can I be a good mother? Could I deal with a mid-shopping temper tantrum? Would I still keep my sense of self when immersed with an all-encompassing other? Will I still be able to find time to be “me” when my title changes from individual, from woman, from wife, to only mother?

I know we are not supposed to speak these fears out loud. As women struggling with fertility we are only supposed to serve our eggs sunny side up.

However, am I the only one who deep down carries fear of just what all these hopes coming to reality would usher in?

None of this is to say that my deepest desire is still not to mother. I suppose it is simply to say that on the inside, I’m a little scared.

I am scared that I will fail at this monumental lifetime task. I am afraid that I will end up in a marriage all-consumed by a child, and disconnected from my partner with whom I started it all.

I am afraid that if I truly believe my body can do this, I will be setting myself up for total demise if it fails.

Fears, so many fears—I am the choo choo train chugging up the steep hill with one thought in mind, or so I had convinced myself–I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

But . . . do I really think I can?

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3 comments

  1. Aren’t those of us struggling with infertility allowed the same doubts and fears as those who have babies easily? I don’t think infertility negates your right to feel the same doubts and fears that any mother-to-be has when embarking on the journey of starting a family, and I know lots of women express those same concerns. Thanks for voicing your feelings…. and for what it’s worth I think you’ll be an imperfect (like any mother) yet fabulous mommy-woman-wife-total person just because you’re approaching this consciously and with all your heart in the game,,,,

    1. Thank you for sharing this. I feel exactly the same way. And I have felt like there was something wrong with me…like maybe this is WHY I am infertile…because it seems like everyone else in the same boat has no doubt whatsoever. It seems that the only fear they have is not ever having that child they want so much. But, it must be ok to want it and still be doubtful. We have doubt in all other aspects of life. It’s a natural response to something unknown to us. And if you feel this way and I feel this way, then others must feel this way as well.

      I am afraid for the same reasons you are. But, I am mostly afraid because I know that having a child will change me. I am afraid of losing my self, my autonomy. And I am afraid of losing the person that I am today…I am afraid of becoming that different person because then I will not exist as I am right now.

      1. It’s good to be in wonderful company. I suppose that in some ways the fears mean that we will be good mothers — because we have taken such conscious actions to become mothers, and we won’t be shell shocked by the reality.

        I also suppose that every day we become a different person. Everything in our life changes us. What we must hold onto is the core of our being, the essence of who we are. As long as we keep that, no matter the life change, all will be ok.

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