Hide and Seek: Joy on Infertility Road

When I was a little girl I loved to laugh. I have been told numerous times what a happy baby I was, and how easy going. I even still have one of my most prized treasures, a sunshine necklace my mother gave me when I was in the single digit age bracket–I was her sunshine.

Because of this, at times I find myself wondering just when all the dark storm clouds rolled in.

The last few years of my life have brought many, many blessings, as well as many, many times of laughter and joy. Yet to pretend that the darkness does not descend like the clouds covering every inch of the summer sky before the rain comes, would be to lie.

More days than not I still find myself steeped in gratitude and generally happy, however when days follow one another with the absence of a genuine smile or a joyful belly laugh, I can find myself wondering just where my joy flew away to.

I suppose what is most important to remember during the down times that inevitably come with infertility, is that joy, lasting joy, does not usher in with a baby. Sure, there is an initial rush, however that high will fade and we will find ourselves still in the lives that held us before the miracle we longed for over such a long time came to be.

So when joy plays a game of hide and seek with us, perhaps it is time to begin seeking within. Nothing outside of ourselves can sustain our joy for the long haul of life. Joy that deep is an inside job. So, we keep searching until we find it, baby or not.

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