“If you reach for something and find out it’s the wrong thing,
you change your program and move on.”
– Hazel Scott
So simply said, so succinct, and so easy right? Unfortunately, when it comes to consciously conceiving, changing our program and moving forward can be anything but simple.
My heart, my spirit, and my body are telling me that it is time to move on, time to turn the dial on the black and white TV set of my internal images.
Yes, my cycles have regulated, however my heart has not.
Yet moving a different direction feels scary. Moving forward, feels real. And moving my programming to a different channel feels, right.
Out there in the process of becoming is my child–a little being waiting in the wings for the curtain call. This child is the one who will smile at my husband, say “daddy” and run as fast as his little legs will take him there. He or she is the one who will make me a better woman, in every way, every single day. They are the one who will make this puzzle of life finally begin to resemble the picture on the box.
It is my hubris (ego), selfishness, and ignorance, which give me the illusion that it is up to me to decide how that little person finds their way to me. It is not up to me, it is up to them, to God, to the grand designer of it all, to something so much bigger than me.
I am but the jubilant Publisher’s Clearing House grand prize winner–awaiting my balloons, yard signs, culminating music, and to be surrounded by exuberant family and friends.
I realize now, perhaps more than ever, that I do not need that child to be a mirror of me-nor of my husband. What I need, truly need, is for them to have ten spectacular fingers, ten perfect toes, a strong heart, and an innate desire for love. That is all that matters to me in their arrival–that they are whole, healthy, and here.
Sometimes we need to change the channel of our fertility programming. Sometimes we need to let go and open our closed hearts to what lies on the other side of our resistance.
Our bodies will do what they will, which may or may not include bringing forth life–there are many, many years ahead to allow it the freedom for creation. In the meantime, it may be time to change the program and move on.
When the ultimate goal, the ultimate desire, is motherhood, we may need to detach from our preconceived notion of how that title will bestow upon us.
In so doing, we open our hearts to that tiny giggle, in the faint distance, that will end up becoming the greatest song of our lives.