Stop . . . freeze frame! Forgoing the fertility fidget

I have come to accept that holding still, forgoing fidgeting, is not my forte.

I was the little girl who built vivid stage dramas in the expanses of my mind, while organizing a tea party for my playmobil’s, fighting with my sister, refusing to eat lima beans, and swinging as high as I could on the swing set out back.

As an adult woman I have cornered the multi-tasking market and often feel the need to tackle at least three large projects, all in tandem, and all while working on my dissertation. Oh, and did I mention trying to have a baby?

I suppose I crave commotion.

Infertility came to teach me many things, however perhaps the hardest lesson has been to learn to sit still, to learn to stop my constant forward momentum, and to learn to be ok, in fact to be quite happy and content, in the in between.

No, I have not mastered this lesson yet, thus my continued schooling by this great teacher called life.

Sometimes we all need to stop and freeze the frames of our lives. Sometimes we need to jump back from the future, step out of our plans for tomorrow, and just be in today.

For me, this is much easier suggested than done. So today, even if it is just for today, I will celebrate my decision to step away from my efforts at conceiving. I will turn off the monitor in my head planning all the necessary next steps for adoption. And I will just be in the beauty of this moment right here and right now.

And you know what? This moment, the one right here in front of me, well it’s pretty darn good. In fact, last night I even had a donut with dinner. Imagine that!

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