There is a Sadness: Infertility & Loss

 There is a sadness,

one that lies in wait just below the surface of this daily routine called life.

It is the shadow of the moon hiding behind a new day’s sunrise.

It is the steam from a tea kettle that vanishes, yet is not gone.

There is a sadness just below the surface that is my companion in the waking hours,
and wakes me in the sleeping hours.

There is a sadness.

– SS

The experience of infertility leaves in its wake a trail of sadness. The emotion is one those of us feeling can never fully express to those who have not stood here in these shoes. Try as they might, love us as they may, it is a place they cannot come to sit with us in.

Facing infertility means facing loss, facing a deep loss. The unknown future remains like a mirage on the horizon in the desert. It is a place we can never know whether we will reach, or if it is even real or simply an elusive vision–always just out of reach.

With most grief there are stages, yet the nature of infertility leaves us stage-less, stuck always in limbo. We grieve for what we have not, what we cannot, and what we may not ever have. It is an insidious grieving that settles in like the damp cold in the middle of wintertime.

This weight is one we carry silently; it is a commodity we trade with each other like secret whispers in the middle of the night.

There is sadness, and I know her name, she sits with me, she walks with me, she talks to me, and she wakes me in the night with her weeping. She sees me like no other can.

There is a sadness.

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One comment

  1. Sometimes I think suddenly of my friend and I imagine with a pang that my soul has heard the silent splash of her secret tears and my heart aches for her

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