When I write about infertility I try do so with honesty. To “speak” about the feelings those of us facing fertility challenges experience. Sometimes those feelings are very difficult for me to admit to myself, much less to anyone else.
One nagging thought that may enter many women’s minds who face fertility struggles is that perhaps we have been unable to conceive children because we would make an awful mother.
I know this feeling is not one that we are encouraged to openly discuss, or to openly acknowledge. And my hope is that I am the only woman out there who feels this way–yet I am guessing that I am not.
There are days I feel hopeful, and there are days I can see the many blessings that have come into my life because conception has not been an easy road for me. Yet there are also days when if I am truly honest with myself, I wonder if in mothering I would have failed spectacularly.
Am I far too selfish to be self-less as is required in the act of mothering.
Am I too driven toward my own goals to put those completely behind the needs of another?
Am I too needy of my husbands time, attention, and love to share what can sometimes feel like small snippets in a far too busy life with someone else?
Am I simply ill-equipped to parent well and to raise a child relatively unhindered by all of my personal inadequacies?
Would I yell too much, hug too little, and leave patience at the door when it needed to be welcomed in?
I hope that there will come a day when I look back on this period in my life and “ah ha” I will get it. Yet I also realize that the day may never come–I may never fully understand this fork in my road.
And though all of the incredible mothers in my life assure me that I would be a fantastic member of their club, those assurances don’t always ease the spattering of self-destructive thoughts that at times invade my mind.
So today I speak the unspoken thought. What if I have been unable to have children because I would be an awful mother?
What if. . .