Today I found out that the program I was suppose to be doing my dissertation research at is no longer willing to work with me. Nine months and 100 pages of writing into my dissertation and I was knocked out–just like a final punch from Ali in the prize fight.
What this means is that I will have to completely rewrite my Proposal in an attempt to work with another program. I will have to throw many months and hundreds of hours of work out the proverbial window to be run over by the passing Mac trucks.
My first reaction was to be stunned–almost numb I started my revisions thinking “I can do this, no big deal, one foot in front of the other.” Slowly however the punches began to land and before I knew it I was a sobbing mess at my office desk–inconsolable and feeling every ounce of the force behind that final knock-out punch.
So here I lay, flat on the floor, out cold, all the energy and life in me to keep moving forward completely gone.
When facing infertility we too have these moments. Moments when our life is moving along at it’s steady pace, when we are feeling hopeful and it looks like all the stars are aligned in our direction, and then, BAM, we’re dealt the knock out punch.
Normally I like to write about seeing the glass as half full, about getting back up and living to fight another day. Yet today I would simply like to say that sometimes we just need to crawl into the corner and stay there.
Sometimes we need to let ourselves feel the defeat, cry for our aching bodies, and lay in a puddle of the sweat of our hopes and dreams. Sometimes we need to accept the knock out before we can return to the ring for the first round with a new opponent.
So tonight I will stay in my corner, I will lick my wounds, and I will feel the full force of defeat. Tonight I will just crawl to the corner and stay there.