Losing Babies: Infertility and the Question Why?

I have been a witness to the heartache that accompanies the loss of a child. No matter when that little soul departs, there is a hole created which may never fully heal over–though with time it will integrate to become a part of the mother left behind.

Often when traveling the path toward motherhood, and truthfully through life, we may find ourselves asking the question, why?

Why was what was do deeply desired, when given, just as swiftly taken away?

Unfortunately in life there are often no solid answers to these questions, and the pursuit of comfort from this illusive understanding is rather like a drop down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland.

Last night I had a dream that carried me back to a place in my life, and to a person in my life, that was like moments in a time capsule of happiness away from the rest of the world. No matter how many years may pass between in my life, memory of that person always finds its way back to me–perhaps they were a part of me before they came, and they will always remain a part of me long after they have gone.

The little souls that come for such a brief passage on this plane, and into our lives, were also perhaps a part of us before they arrived, and long will they remain a part of us after they have departed.

They will come with a bittersweet scent to linger in moments when least expected, and the longing felt will be sharp as the dagger it was the day that they left. Yet too, the sweetness of the love once felt for them will rise to the surface to warm the coldness of a heart with a piece broken off that will never be made whole.

So though we may wish for an answer to the illusive question of “why,” perhaps it is better that the rest of the story remain untold. For while understanding may bring us to the place where peace resides, it is also the place where we must completely let go.

When we have loved into the deepest depth, swum in the sea of perfection in the midst of an imperfect world, perhaps it is better to sit in the comfort of the question “why?” so that we may also remain in the comfort of those we love who were taken away long before we were ready for them to go.

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