The Fertility of Mea Culpa: Sometimes it’s hard to be human, and fallible

OK, so yesterday I inadvertently posted one of my writings to this blog. I’m still trying to figure out how it happened. I was attempting to save it in another site of mine, and somehow it posted here. Oh my <sigh>.

I quickly removed it however, unfortunately all of you were subject to two posts in one day. Mea culpa!

I tell myself that perhaps someone out there needed to hear those words; perhaps that need is why the mischievous spirits steered me through a confused error in hitting the “return” button on the keyboard; or perhaps I needed to “say” them.

I don’t know, and I suppose it’s not worth the time to try to figure out the “why.” What I do know is that sometimes it’s hard, this being human. Sometimes it’s hard to be imperfect and fallible.

One of my subscribers unsubscribed after that post, and so I began to knock myself upside the head with my imaginary “you idiot” bat. I created this site as a place to support women, and not as a place to promote any singular choice in the rainbow of choices each of us women stand facing. I worried that my words may have hurt her.

In reality, that person leaving may have had nothing to do with my error, yet my self-sabtour would like to convince me otherwise.

Unfortunately, one of the horrible side-effects of infertility, worse than the procedures or the hormones, the weight gain, or all of the nights spent sleeping on a tear-stained pillow, is a severe loss of self-love. It is almost as if a harshness creeps in during the middle of the night and steals away, like a thief, with our self-worth. From that point forward we struggle to resurrect the once burgeoning “I” just underneath the surface of our conscious day.

So today, I will forgive myself. Today I will decline feeling small. Today I will practice gentleness and kindness with myself, as I do with so many others. Today I will allow my “mea culpa” to be enough.

We are all imperfect–fertile or infertile. We all make mistakes, and we all must allow ourselves to be forgiven–by ourselves.

Sometimes it is hard to be human, to live in this fallible body, and in this fallible mind. Yet human we all are. We cannot help what our body has brought to our doorstep, yet we can help how we love ourselves through it.

Today, let yourself be forgiven. For today, I too will try.

Mea culpa.

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9 comments

  1. I enjoy reading everything that you write, once, twice, or three times a day! Keep it coming…

    1. Thank you Linda, you’re always a wonderful support to me!

  2. Don’t beat yourself up! I love your posts and love that they are so regular … I don’t notice how often you post, just that you do so often! Keep ’em coming. I too have a tendency to beat myself up, but we are always our harshest critic.
    Thanks for your posts!

    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you Rebecca. Your words mean so much. Thank you for supporting me from afar and for sharing this journey with me.

  3. I really did like your piece of writing and I clicked through to comment and it was gone 😦
    Which site do you write at? I’d love to read more.
    You are really talented, Shannon.

    1. Ah, thanks so much Heather. I actually haven’t published the other site yet, it’s still a labor of love 🙂 I’ll let you know when it “goes live.” Thanks again for your kind words

  4. Sorry for my delayed response, but thank YOU! I am struggling in silence but appreciate reading your posts everyday. It is such a difficult struggle and your posts seem to ground me. There are so many amazing women/couples dealing with such a terrible thing. It’s nice to have som camaraderie, if only from afar! Thanks for all the you write!!

    1. Oops, meant to say all that you write!

    2. BIG hug to you Rebecca. You are not alone and there are many of us out here loving and supporting you. Hang in there.

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