OK, so yesterday I inadvertently posted one of my writings to this blog. I’m still trying to figure out how it happened. I was attempting to save it in another site of mine, and somehow it posted here. Oh my <sigh>.
I quickly removed it however, unfortunately all of you were subject to two posts in one day. Mea culpa!
I tell myself that perhaps someone out there needed to hear those words; perhaps that need is why the mischievous spirits steered me through a confused error in hitting the “return” button on the keyboard; or perhaps I needed to “say” them.
I don’t know, and I suppose it’s not worth the time to try to figure out the “why.” What I do know is that sometimes it’s hard, this being human. Sometimes it’s hard to be imperfect and fallible.
One of my subscribers unsubscribed after that post, and so I began to knock myself upside the head with my imaginary “you idiot” bat. I created this site as a place to support women, and not as a place to promote any singular choice in the rainbow of choices each of us women stand facing. I worried that my words may have hurt her.
In reality, that person leaving may have had nothing to do with my error, yet my self-sabtour would like to convince me otherwise.
Unfortunately, one of the horrible side-effects of infertility, worse than the procedures or the hormones, the weight gain, or all of the nights spent sleeping on a tear-stained pillow, is a severe loss of self-love. It is almost as if a harshness creeps in during the middle of the night and steals away, like a thief, with our self-worth. From that point forward we struggle to resurrect the once burgeoning “I” just underneath the surface of our conscious day.
So today, I will forgive myself. Today I will decline feeling small. Today I will practice gentleness and kindness with myself, as I do with so many others. Today I will allow my “mea culpa” to be enough.
We are all imperfect–fertile or infertile. We all make mistakes, and we all must allow ourselves to be forgiven–by ourselves.
Sometimes it is hard to be human, to live in this fallible body, and in this fallible mind. Yet human we all are. We cannot help what our body has brought to our doorstep, yet we can help how we love ourselves through it.
Today, let yourself be forgiven. For today, I too will try.