The infertility trifecta: A crib, a changing table, and a black eye

Yes that’s right, today I am the owner of a crib, a changing table, and a black eye. It’s a trifecta kind of day!

Though I would like to amaze, astonish, wonder, and entertain with just how I got this beautiful blue and purple bruise under my eye, honestly I have absolutely no idea.

Lately I have felt a bit beat up by life. I have felt years worth of trying, climbing, fighting, falling, failing, and nearly giving up. I suppose I could sum it up by saying that I have felt a bit bruised and beat up. Now I look it.

The bruise appeared the day after a session with my chiropractor–during which she was no where near my eye. After connecting with her she assures me that actually, purplish blue under the eye is fairly common for people who have adrenal burnout–and whose kidneys are impacted by that burnout.

And so today, I suppose my body is giving me a good punch in the one place I can’t avoid looking–may face. It’s time to make some permanent changes.

It is also not lost on me that this new beauty statement arrived the day when my husband and I were headed off to pick up the crib and changing table dear friends were gifting to us–for the next steps of our journey.

Things are shifting, many things are transforming and changing, our lives once stuck in neutral are starting to rev forward in jerky motions like a 16-year-old first learning to drive a stick shift. And so, in that wrenching free of a rusted in place bolt, which has held tightly for several years, my body is reminding me to take care, to open to care, and to nurture myself in the shifting.

I am scared to walk into our once guest room and to see an assembled crib with sweet lamb bedding, a beautiful white wooden changing table with the hand knit tiny sweaters from my grandmother hanging from the front drawers. And, despite that near terror, for the first time in a long time, this place feels like home.

As things change in our lives, as we open to allowing them to shift once we have served our time in the darkness, we can feel like a bolt of lightening has struck through us. We can feel off kilter, and sometimes we can even end up with a black eye.

What is important is to lean into the winds of change. To move forward into the fear, for it is only in moving forward that our lives may transform.

One day a tiny little person, my tiny little person, will lay sleeping peacefully with her (or his) little lamb in that crib. And on that day I will remember today. The day when I believed so much in their coming that I allowed the going of what needed to pass in my life so that we could move on.

And on that day I will remember that despite all of the things that need to get done on the to do list, one of the most important is self-love, self-care, and pressing “pause” on the rest of the world so that I can savor every second of time I am gifted with my child.

A crib, a changing table, and a black eye, the trifecta of a life no longer catatonic in the struggle. Today I take all three into our future, along with that precious baby lamb whose heart beats just like a mother’s.

Today, I am ready.

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