Go get that baby! How to turn the negative into a baby

Last week, when two years of my life’s work were flushed down the proverbial toilet, to say I felt negative was a bit of an understatement. OK, it was about as big of an understatement as is humanly possible. I felt devastated.

We have put our lives, our plans for a family, my health to even be able to conceive, and any steps forward toward adoption, on hold–all for that darn “Doctor” title. And four months before I was done, the bottom fell out and I found myself in reverse, driving 600 miles an hour, in the completely wrong direction. Back to the starting line; the door was slammed shut in my stunned face.

I wanted to give up. I wanted to strangle a few select people. I wanted to scream, and cry, and rage against the injustice. I wanted to see this as the worst thing, aside from being labeled “infertile,” that had ever happened to me.

And then today, I went to see my OBGYN. Possibly the best doctor I have ever known in my life. I told her what I had just been through. She giggled, apologized for giggling, and then said with delight: How exciting, you’ve been set free. Now go get that baby!

You see life has a way of turning us in the direction that we need to be going. Never so succinctly, with such precision, and with the exacting cut of the best surgeon’s knife, had something been so immediately removed from my life–so definitively stopped.

And you know what?

I thank every wispy angel floating above me for working their magic to stop me in my dissertation tracks.

Why?

Because my baby is calling me to them; my baby is ready for me to look left when I’ve been fixated on the horizon to the right for so, so long.

Would it have been nice if the work of many years of my life did not have to be sacrificed for motherhood? Yes, I suppose so. Yet, I would give up all of that and more just to hold her in my arms.

And so, I’m going to go get that baby!

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6 comments

  1. so glad you’ve got a good doctor…
    one door closes another door opens hey…

    1. Thanks Heather. And yes, Dr. Warner has been incredible. She is unlike any doctor I have ever had before–she cares about me as a whole human being, not just a body with a dis-ease. A true treasure!

  2. I am amazed by your ability of turning things around like that. It helps to try to see the whole picture and get some perspective.

    1. Thank you marwil. Yes, it is very helpful to have wonderful people in my life who help me to see the forrest through the trees. I also believe that when I get hung up on what is now behind me, I can never experience fully what is now before and in front of me. And so, I let it go. Nothing can change it, and re-visiting what is done only causes pain. Relief (for me) is in the letting go.

  3. […] blog for some time know that I do not fall into the “ridiculously lucky” category. The demise of two years of my life’s work in one second of time was proof […]

  4. […] then, when only three months later, the entirety of my Proposal disintegrated before my eyes, literally four or five months away from finishing my dissertation, and my PhD, I was stopped in my […]

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