There are just so many things to be angry about when faced with infertility, just so many people who let us down, who fail in their grand promises of hope, of success. So many grudges to carry around like a backpack.
Yet, when we strap those grudges onto us, how much weight do they add to our walk through life? And how much does that weight tie us to what is behind us, holding us back from what lies ahead?
In my experience it’s a lot, a whole lot, of dead weight.
Yes there are times when I catch myself visiting a past slight. And yes it can be difficult once there to not welcome the grudge back into the hollow places it dug out. Yet in so doing I also know that when it lives within me it occupies the guestroom that was supposed to be for my next visitor.
In making the decision to move on from my Ph.D., graduating in December with an Ed.S., I found many grudges huddling around like beggars out on a frigid street–they really wanted to come into the warmth.
I wanted to hate the person who drug me along for two years down a dissertation path that ended in disaster, and then didn’t even have the courage to call me to tell me herself, much less to offer an apology.
I wanted to hate the mentor/chair who has been with me on this journey for eight long years, and who directed me to the college, and the person, who would end my PhD career.
And I wanted to defame the institution of higher education for how little they support students in finishing the endeavor of a Ph.D.
I wanted to grab a hold of all that anger, take it in, and let it burn for awhile. And so, I did.
But it can’t live there, it can’t stay there, it has to go back to Grudgeville. Because if it does not, it will be living rent-free in the recesses of my heart, keeping joy, abundance, and new life from making a home.
The grudge has got to go.
So too when you find yourself exchanging harsh words with past wounds–floating ghosts in the halls of your psyche–must you take time to give them a proper greeting. Yet once you have, let them float away. Because although the hurt, the let down, the assault for which they were responsible is very real, and very wrong, allowing those feelings to stay only means that you are allowing them to wound you all over again.
Forgive easily, never forget, yet forgive easily. Only then can new flowers bloom in the dark recesses.