In the full moon I lost my words: Perception is nine-tenths of the law

I lost my words under the full moon only to find a change in me, a kind of moving on.

It seems that I have lost my words. At least that is what it felt like to me–lost words.

I do not believe that what I write is the object form of my own genius, it is simply something that wants to get out, and I am the avenue it chooses.

And so when my words were escaping me, when my motivation to write was gone, I felt lost.

I have been blogging here for over a year. My words, my dark despair, and my childhood dreams all spun into sentences to fill pages, to fill hearts, to fill hope.

Tonight as I sat watching Beauty and the Beast at the Academy of Music with a friend who is closest to my heart, the spark blower on-er when my dreams have been about to fizzle out, I realized one important thing.

There’s been a change in me.

“There’s been a change in me, a kind of moving on, though what I used to be I still depend upon. For now I realize that good can come from bad. That may not make me wise, but oh it makes me glad. And I– I never thought I’d leave behind my childhood dreams, but I don’t mind for now I love the world I see. No change of heart, a change in me. For in my dark despair I slowly understood my perfect world out there had disappeared for good but in it’s place I feel a truer life begin. And it’s so good and real. It must come from within.” 

This chapter is closing for me, and so my words are drying up like an over used favorite pen. Most infertility blogs end, change, or transform when the blogger conceives, adopts, fosters, or decides their life is full without a child. For me however, there has been a kind of moving on, no change of heart, a change in me. And though what I used to be I still depend upon, there is a truer life beginning.

And so I know that I have not lost my words to the howling wolf of the full moon, they have lost me because they have moved on. Perception is nine-tenths of the law, and they have simply beckoned me to follow. And so, like the faithful servant, I do.

I have become so attached to all of you who have opened your hearts, your email inboxes and RSS feeds, to be here with me on this journey. This is not the end, it is just the beginning of something, changed.

And no matter where this journey takes me–writing more on my new blog, compiling all of my posts on this blog into something tangible, or offering more support through InfertilityAwakening, using this space to tell your stories–I am not leaving you. I am still here, in the ethers, cheering you on, encouraging you in your dark nights, and believing in the power of each of your tomorrows.

Thank you. Thank you for being here with me.

A Change in me:

There’s been a change in me 
A kind of moving on 
Though what I used to be 
I still depend upon 
For now I realize 
That good can come from bad 
That may not make me wise 
But oh it makes me glad 
And I– I never thought I’d leave behind 
My childhood dreams 
But I don’t mind 
For now I love the world I see 
No change of heart a change in me 
For in my dark despair 
I slowly understood 
My perfect world out there 
Had disappeared for good 
But in it’s place I feel 
A truer life begin 
And it’s so good and real 
It must come from within 
And I– I never thought I’d leave behind 
My childhood dreams but I don’t mind 
I’m where and who I want to be 
No change of heart 
A change in me 
No change of heart 
A change in me 

– Beauty and the Beast

Advertisements

8 comments

  1. Oh Shannon. Wow. I have been enjoying your writing so much and look forward to this new chapter.But please don’t stop writing – in whatever shape or form – you have a real gift.

  2. Thanks so much Heather. Your kind words and support always mean so much. I will be keeping an eye out for your wonderful news, very soon 🙂 And yes, I will continue to write, just perhaps in a new way, a new place. We shall see what unfolds . . . .

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts…your blog has been a real life line for me these last 6 months. Best wishes for all your new adventures….

    1. Thank YOU Kate, for your wonderfully kind words. Know that I am still here, rooting wildly for you, in your corner! All the best to you on your own journey to motherhood.

  4. I feel like I have missed a trick, discovering your blog just as you are moving to a new phase. Fabulous writing, I hope you continue, you have a profound ability.

    1. Thank you so very much for your words of support and encouragement for my writing. I greatly appreciate your sentiments!

  5. Ah, moving on, good for you. Best of luck on your adoption journey, would be lovely to hear the good news when it’s time!

    1. Thanks so very much marwil. I don’t know how this site/me/etc. will move on/tranform, however I will definitely share when our little one arrives 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: