Infertility: The Well, The Tears, The Scuba Gear

Tonight my husband and I went to see The Odd Life Of Timothy Green. And though years have now passed since our infertility journey began, and wounds scab over as healing happens, sometimes things can break them open again–even if just for a moment.

Sometimes we are reminded of the deep well of love that lives inside the unused parts of our hearts. The parts of our hearts that were made for tiny hands and tiny feet. The parts of our hearts that were made to be broken wide open by a love so deep that the bottom is yet to be discovered.

And so perhaps one of the greatest hardships of infertility is not the loss of physically carrying a child. Nor the loss of exuberant friends and family who joyfully help us to prepare to join all those on the other side. Or maybe not even the loss of baby clothes shopping and bickering over the perfect name. Perhaps the deepest well of infertility is the one that lies in our hearts. The one that cannot be filled with embraces from friends, well meaning wishes, nor all the other forms that love can take.

When we have so much love to give that it breaks us apart from the inside out, it can feel as though we are dying a little every day. It is as though that love pushes against the crevices of the well until the walls begin to crack–until we begin to crack.

And so tonight Timothy Green reminded me that when our deepest desire is to be a mother, anything is possible; we must dive in. Because the gift, it’s there, and when we refuse to harbor sorrow, when we let it go, the gift will fall right in our hands.

So here I sit tonight with the crickets, the wind, the stars peaking through the trees, and my scuba gear, wanting nothing more than to dive in.

This Gift

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is waiting to be found
Your heart’s in wide receiving
Been too long buried in the sand
Some things require leaving
This gift will fall right in your hand
Just try to understand…If you long enough
And you don’t give up
If you’re strong enough
And you don’t give up
And you…

You’ll be no harbor to the sorrow
Just let it go.

Don’t hang your head in sorrow
Don’t give up just before you win
Don’t wait around for tomorrow
Open up your arms and let it in

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is ready to be found
Just you believe it now

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is ready to be found
Your heart’s in wide receiving
Been too long buried in the sand
Some things require believing
These things just fall right in your hand
Just try to understand

If you long enough
And you don’t give up
If you’re strong enough
And you don’t give up

– Glen Hansard
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4 comments

  1. Beautiful. I couldn’t bring myself to see it, since I was bawling thru the commercials.

  2. Yes, it definitely brought on the water works (even for my husband). Yet in some strange way it felt good to let my guard down for a moment in time and to release the pretense that all is ok and that this journey hasn’t left things broken in it’s wake.

    Hugs to you.

  3. I want to see it but may wait until I can watch it at home. The commercials alone stir something in me. Although we are now parents through adoption, I still “visit” that place of barrenness from time to time. Thank you for sharing.

  4. Yes, the movie definitely stirs a place inside the heart of any man or woman who has been told “it’s time to stop trying, this will never happen.” Luckily it was only my husband and me and one other couple–way at the other side of the theatre from us–in the movie. I mostly lost it when I looked over at my husband and his yes were welled up. Yet holding hands I knew that together, we will become parents–somehow, someway.

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