Infertility, Adoption: It’s Official?

photoThose of you out there who are part of my tribe, the tribe of women for whom the path to motherhood is more crooked than straight, know that this journey is not for the faint of heart. You know that as the years pass by the tough scales over our hearts get tougher; our skin gets thicker.

Years ago, yes it’s been years now, I wrote a post about Myrtle the turtle (a pet from my youth who took flying leaps off the second floor balcony). I wrote about the hard shells that we carry around as infertility takes it’s painful blows against a once pliable and soft heart.

The last nine months of my life have shown me that if infertility will harden a shell, adoption will give a woman a steel encased cover.

It’s tough; I’m tough.

And so this week when, after nine months of paperwork and interviews, plus 3 1/2 years of unfulfilled dreams of motherhood, we became “officially” approved and available as adoptive parents, I cringe to say that I really didn’t feel much of anything.

It’s official; the battle is not over, is it ever really over?

It’s official; more peaks and valleys will follow as we wait for the phone to ring, pray that she won’t change her mind, try to figure out how to change our life overnight in a world that doesn’t really get how this all works (and admittedly neither do we).

It’s official; the shell is so hard that the only way to survive the threat of skyscraper falls is to spend more time tucked inside that shell than basking in the sun.

And so I must admit what I hate to admit, it’s official that I’m more terrified than perhaps I have ever been on this journey.

Why?

Because now the fall truly could crush me. Because now for the first time in 3 1/2 years it really could be official. And now, for the first time in 3 1/2 years , someone could come and take it all away an instant after it arrives.

Yet life must go on; I must go on. Because deep down inside I really do believe that when our child, the one who is meant to be with us forever, cuddles into the crevice of my arms and makes a home forever in the crevices of my heart, the shell will crack and the steel case will fall away.

And that is the magic that heals us all. That is the magic that makes a broken heart whole. And that is the magic that keeps me going until the day when that magic is officially mine forever.

Advertisements

8 comments

  1. Oh wow, huge congratulations on being approved. That’s a big milestone. And it is scary to open up and hope again. Best of luck on being matched. I hope the wait will be over soon and that you can begin to heal, together.

    1. Thank you so very much marwil.

  2. That s fantastic news. It will become real when the baby is in your arms, trust me. That’s when you really become vulnerable.

    1. Thank you Heather. I hope that your little guy is doing wonderfully!

  3. Katherine · · Reply

    Congrats on making it to this point! I’ve been following your blog for years, since the days of Myrtle the Turtle, and we are now at the last stages of our home study. Soon we will be a “waiting family” like you. I hope your wait is short and I hope when you hold your baby you feel comfort knowing this excruciating journey was worth it because you are holding the exact baby that was meant to be in your family forever! Good luck and keep us updated! 🙂

    1. Katherine, that’s wonderful news re: your home study! You’re not far behind me. All the best to you, and keep me updated. It’s a journey I feel so lucky to be walking with other incredible women. May this year be our year!

    1. Thank you so very much, I hope you are well!

      Shannon

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: