Those of you out there who are part of my tribe, the tribe of women for whom the path to motherhood is more crooked than straight, know that this journey is not for the faint of heart. You know that as the years pass by the tough scales over our hearts get tougher; our skin gets thicker.
Years ago, yes it’s been years now, I wrote a post about Myrtle the turtle (a pet from my youth who took flying leaps off the second floor balcony). I wrote about the hard shells that we carry around as infertility takes it’s painful blows against a once pliable and soft heart.
The last nine months of my life have shown me that if infertility will harden a shell, adoption will give a woman a steel encased cover.
It’s tough; I’m tough.
And so this week when, after nine months of paperwork and interviews, plus 3 1/2 years of unfulfilled dreams of motherhood, we became “officially” approved and available as adoptive parents, I cringe to say that I really didn’t feel much of anything.
It’s official; the battle is not over, is it ever really over?
It’s official; more peaks and valleys will follow as we wait for the phone to ring, pray that she won’t change her mind, try to figure out how to change our life overnight in a world that doesn’t really get how this all works (and admittedly neither do we).
It’s official; the shell is so hard that the only way to survive the threat of skyscraper falls is to spend more time tucked inside that shell than basking in the sun.
And so I must admit what I hate to admit, it’s official that I’m more terrified than perhaps I have ever been on this journey.
Because now the fall truly could crush me. Because now for the first time in 3 1/2 years it really could be official. And now, for the first time in 3 1/2 years , someone could come and take it all away an instant after it arrives.
Yet life must go on; I must go on. Because deep down inside I really do believe that when our child, the one who is meant to be with us forever, cuddles into the crevice of my arms and makes a home forever in the crevices of my heart, the shell will crack and the steel case will fall away.
And that is the magic that heals us all. That is the magic that makes a broken heart whole. And that is the magic that keeps me going until the day when that magic is officially mine forever.