Infertility & adoption: when sperm doesn’t meet egg, when profile doesn’t meet match

20120131_dn_G1COUR31SYou were made that way for a reason, you just need to figure out what it is.”
Anthony Robles

We are still waiting to hear back on the recent opportunity to have our profile shown, however during the wait I’ve been thinking a lot about the similarities between infertility and adoption. Perhaps more precisely, the extension of infertility into adoption.

Instead of a negative HPT, it’s a “your profile was not selected.” Instead of questioning which reproductive imperfection has robbed you of the opportunity to become a mother, it’s questioning what aspect of your profile left you deemed unsuitable. Instead of sperm not meeting egg, it’s profile not meeting match.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about something Anthony Robles, NCAA wrestling champion who was born, and wrestled, with one leg, said recently when he spoke at a meeting I attended “you were made that way for a reason, you just need to figure out what it is.” These words of advice came to him from his mother when he was a child struggling to understand why he was born with one leg, and how that fact limited his life.

I think that Anthony’s mom was onto something. Each and every one of us was made the way we are for a reason, and perhaps this life is about figuring out what that reason is. Anthony found his reason, his whole life transforming when his perseverance, dedication, and refusal to give up, landed him an NCAA wrestling championship that opened doors to his career as a motivational speaker, his personal passion.

So today I am asking myself, and I am asking you, what’s your reason? I don’t know the answer yet, however not unlike Anthony, I won’t give up until I find it. I hope that you won’t either.

Because every day, in every struggle, we are being molded for a purpose; we are growing into shoes that are awaiting our filling. And getting to that purpose, and those shoes, takes a strong will, a commitment like no other, and a deep knowing that the reason for our making is out there.

And like Anthony also said “when opportunity doesn’t knock, build your own door.”

So while I haven’t been matched with my child yet, I have called a local hospital to sign up as a  “Cuddle” volunteer in the fall. A volunteer who holds, rocks, and feeds babies in the NICU.

I may not have my door, but I’ll be damned if I can’t fit myself through this window.

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3 comments

  1. I was over 30 when I finally met my DH, and I remember feeling so inadequate when I wasn’t “chosen”–for a date, relationship, or marriage. But in the end, I know that the men who rejected me did so for a very good reason: ultimately, we were incompatible. And I did plenty of rejecting as well, for the same reason.

    In adoption, you are waiting for the RIGHT first family to find you. Birthmoms aren’t choosing the wealthiest, or the prettiest, or the most educated. They are looking for something they recognize in the adoptive parents. It can feel random (just like when I broke up with that guy because his hands were too small), but more often it’s instinct speaking. Your child will find you. Your birthmom will pick you.

    And when your birthmom chooses you for your child, you will not have wanted any other child of any other birthmom.

    Prayers for patience. We are just about to go into the waiting pool as well. Anxious times!

  2. thinking of you xx
    That cuddle volunteer thing sounds good. what a nice thing to do. 🙂

  3. Hello there! In response to your posting about finding out why we were born this way, I’d like to share a little about my journey trough infertility. I was diagnosed with POI (Primary Ovarian Insufficiency) at 29. A few months later, I met my husband. I quickly told him that we wouldn’t be able to have children without medical intervention or adoption. He immediately said it didnt matter because he loved me for who I was, not for the children I could bear abd that we coyld adopt. We never tried IVF because of the cost, but did look into it adoption turned out to not be possible either.

    The first several years we were together, infertility was a good thing. It meant the freedom to not worry about getting pregnant because we would be in control of when that happened. We enjoyed a childfree lifestyle as many of our friends didn’t have children yet. As the years passed, I kept looking into our options- adoption or IVF with donor eggs. They were both very expensive. Although I know my husband supported me, he also didn’t seem to take the initiative to research to figure our what our financial options were, etc. he was always supportive in his own way though. It was frustrating when I tried out a natural method of changing my diet, using acupuncture and herbal supplements. In many ways it helped by improving my energy level, my weight, but the lack if necessary hormones also caused hot flashes, sleep loss and other issues. In any case, I pursued our options to the extent that I was comfortable. I even underwent a medical study at the NIH. Ultimately, I wasn’t comfortable with donor eggs and IVF. There were financial and other barriers to both IVF and adoption.

    Just as we were starting to accept the fact that we would bd childfree, our “family” came. It may be a temporary family, but it is nice for however short or long it lasts. My brother and sister-in-law had problems. They separated, she wasn’t able to care for the children and long story short, my husband and I are raising our 2 nieces and nephews. We went from 0-4 children. The last year has been a whirlwind! It had certainly stressed our marriage, but I think we are finally acclimating to our new situation. We wouldn’t be able to do it if it weren’t for my mother-in-law’s constant help. We are able to be in a parental role- help with homework, be involved with school, provide for them, take them trips that they never would have taken before, expose them to cultural events, come home to their hugs, enjoy time playing or walking with them. At the same time, we are their aunt and uncle so we are able to spoil them, but also take advantage of grandma’s support when we need some couple time.

    It is a nice situation. It certainly has some challenges reading someone else’s children, having my mother-in-law so involved in our lives and not having some of the freedom to make discipline decisions that I would have if they were our children and MIL were less involved. At the same time, I think this is what we were meant to do. We were meant to help provide a better life for these children than what they had before. We were meant to help improve their academics since mom was so neglectful, being a high school drop out she was potentially not capable of helping them. We were meant to love them in a way that their mother who abandoned them in our house was incapable of doing. Hopefully, their futures will be better that they would have been if they would have stayed with their parents. I sincerely hope you find what you are meant for like your article discusses. Good luck on your journey! You are doing an amazing job! I enjoy your blogs.

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