Loss: Paw Prints Baking in the Oven

SamsonYesterday, two weeks to the day that I lost my grandmother, our sweet Monsignor Tub Tub Samson passed away. We had not seen the signs that were hinting at his ailing health, we had not understood that when his purring stopped it was because his heart was not long to follow.

And so yesterday we found our little guy lying  at the top of the kitchen stairs, trying to make his way downstairs to tell us that it was his time. And though we rushed him to the emergency vet, it was too late, he was in irreversible heart failure.

It’s strange how much I failed to notice that was happening in my every day. How many times I took for granted the way he followed me room to room, pawing at my leg to pick him up. The way he would purr the second I reached down to put him on my lap while I worked. So many every day little things that warmed my heart and that were love made tangible.

So while losing my “Tubby” doesn’t have much to do with infertility or adoption, it reminds me of just how fragile love is, just how quickly it can slip away. We were blessed to have this amazing little spirit for seven years, yet we were robbed of seven more.

Now Samson warms my grandmother’s lap as she rocks, waiting for our future to unfold. And now we struggle to once again move forward, feeling the dead weight of loss on our hearts. Because right now his little paw imprints are baking in the oven, and that is the only piece of him we have left.


  1. A few years ago, my cat was run over. I was a complete mess because I watched him suffer and cough up blood from internal bleeding. I cried like a child in front of the vet when we had to put him to sleep. I still haven’t forgiven myself for ignoring him the night he was run over – for taking him for granted.

    It hurt bad. I think I was emotional mess because I felt that he was the one piece of love we shared as a couple and it felt cruel that while we were handed infertility – he was taken away from us too. I was so depressed that my husband took me to a cat rescue centre and helped me pick a new cat. I felt that a house isn’t a home without a soul like his roaming.

    Now we have two kitties but everytime I see the tree I grew where his ashes were buried, the pain surfaces.

    1. I am so sorry for your loss as well. It’s completely heartbreaking; and I was just like you, a sobbing mess as I held him as he gasped for air and moaned, seeing his life fading from his big green eyes. It is a horrible thing I will never, ever forget.

      I am fortunate that we have three other animals who still bless our home, yet they too seem all out of sorts without him. He was a very special little guy.

  2. Rebecca · · Reply

    So sorry to read you have lost one of your fur babies, pets are only on loan for such a short time, so hard to say goodbye. I dread the day I have to say goodbye to mine, they have given me so much love and comfort through my infertility/recurrent miscarriage journey. Take care XX

    1. Thanks so much Rebecca. I hope that day is a long, long way off for you!

  3. Oh no, so sorry for your loss. Animals are really special family members. Abiding with you.

    1. Thank you marwil; they truly are family members.

  4. I am so sorry about your cat. Animals are such a comfort. I hope those imprints help you remember the good times.

    1. Thank you Heather. We are very glad to have that little reminder. And luckily, time does help with the healing.

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