When I was a kid I loved to spin on the roundabout. My friends and I would each grab a handle, then run as fast as we could around, and around, jumping on at the last moment just before the momentum caused us to topple over our own feet.
Once safely on, we would lie on the cool steel and watch the clouds circle above us as we became dizzier and dizzier. If it was a particularly lucky day, we would have someone on the ground who kept pushing us so that we could spin, and spin, and spin….
When I think back now on that intentional choice to spin, I must admit that it’s a bit perplexing. I suppose we seek that “rush” when in our innocence all we know is the still sturdiness of a life defined as uncomplicated.
And then, we grow up, and the world starts spinning on its own. When it does, sometimes we would give anything to just make it stop.
July is a complicated month for me. Last July began with the passing of my grandmother, followed the next day by our first “match” disrupted when the birth mother changed her mind and picked another family. Then, one week to the day when my grandmother passed, we lost our seven-year-old cat when he unexpectedly went into heart failure on our kitchen floor.
However, just when I thought July was a wash, we met our daughter’s mother on July 26th. Looking back, it’s hard to believe that it’s nearly been a year since that day. It is also hard to believe that on July 31st it will be six months since our adoption was disrupted, and our five-month-old daughter was taken from the only home she had ever known.
Most days I would like to get off of the spinning roundabout. I would like to make it stop.
Yet, if I would have had the power to make it stop last July, I may never have met Mea’s mother. And yes, never meeting her would have spared me the greatest pain I may ever experience in my life, yet it also would have robbed me of my greatest joy.
Life is a spinning roundabout. What we have to remember is that the spinning can only make us sick when we forget to lie back and let it take us. You see, it’s the illusion of control that throws off our equilibrium, the desire to control what is uncontrollable.
So although most days I do wish I could jump off the roundabout, make the world stop spinning, just for a little while, I know that I cannot. Life happens in the spin, and the spin is what takes us to where we need to go. Sometimes that place is dark, and cold, and hard, and excruciatingly painful. However, if we give in to the spin, eventually it was also take us to beautiful destinations we otherwise never would have arrived.