Sometimes you have to let go to hold on

Adoption DayI have been to dark places, to very very dark places. To those places where you know, you just know, that the light will never return.

However, when I found myself in the mire of muck within those places, I was blessed with light keepers. The ones who held the flickering light until I was ready to look up and see that the darkness was only an illusion, an eclipse of the eternal sunshine of life.

Yet, in those dark moments, if I had not let go, I could not have held on. Held on to hope. Held on to a tomorrow. Held on to the possibility that for me, joy could be found again.

On January 31st, 2014 I said goodbye to my first daughter forever. She was nearly five months old and she was perfect. She was everything I could ever hope, wish and dream for wrapped into one perfect package. Yet she was only made to be mine for five beautiful months. She was my gift. She was the one special thing in this world that will always be just for me, only for me, for those five perfect months.

And when her light left me, I was certain that the sun would never rise again. Yet I knew that I had to let her go. In order to live again, I had to let her go.

Then, in the middle of my seemingly ordinary life, my forever daughter appeared, quite unexpectedly, just when I was ready to let go of my dream of motherhood forever.

Today we finalized the adoption of our forever daughter. Today, for me, I discovered What Dream May Come. Today, I discovered what waited for me when I let go, what I will now forever be able to hold onto because I refused to be defeated by heart shattering loss.

And so today, I do not know What Dream May Come for you, and I do not know what dream may have come and gone for you. However what I do know is that dreams will come, yet sometimes you have to let go of the fruition of those dreams in order to hold onto the hope that lives in the horizon of the future, in the promise of the dreams that are to come on the other side of the darkness.

Thank you Mea for making me a mom, and thank you Helena for choosing me to be yours. You are both the dream my heart dreamed, and I love you both forever.


  1. Tears of gratitude. The depth of your heart has always been stunning to me, stunning and beautiful. I know how long and blisteringly dark the road has been, and yet even when you were on the verge of being swallowed by it all, time and again I watched you find some sliver of light, a gossamer hope to cling to. Your bravery and faith in choosing to love, big and wide, knowing no guarantees have brought you here, my friend. Mea will always carry you, as you do her, and Helena was always the star twinkling for you, waiting until you were ready to fill your life with her light.

  2. Verna Tweddale · · Reply

    Words cannot express the depth of my sorrow AND my joy in having shared this whole journey with you, treasured friend. Eloquent Naila said it all, I’m just adding my thanksgiving that we ALL get to celebrate and welcome Helena into “our” family now, Thanksgiving! XOXOXOXOX

  3. Ah Shannon. I am beyond happy for you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I know you’ve had a rough path getting here but now you can enjoy this moment! Looking forward to more pics of her!

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