You are sunlight dappled in gold.
You are my heart breaking, and mending, all in one life gasping breath.
You are the hardest edge of me, and the softest supple innocence I thought was forever lost.
You rip off all of the scabs I’ve been hiding in my heart & force me to attend to them, or watch them fester & spread to you.
I want for you all that I never had for me, and I hate that I fail to give that to you each day.
I want to overcome the madness in me that sometimes unfairly spills on to you when you’ve drawn on the carpet, or perfumed yourself with an entire bottle of peppermint essential oil.
I want to reach into, to teach into, your beautiful soul with a permanent marker inscribing “I love you always, just the way you are, perfect in every imperfection the world may tell you is there.”
I want to be better, nearly every day, than I am.
I need your forgiveness for all of the ways I’ve failed you, even in just four years.
I need to feel your warm breath on my neck and hear you say “I like you mommy, you’re the best mommy in the whole world” so I can know, in that moment, I haven’t scarred you beyond repair with my short temper, lacking words and exhausted patience.
I love you.
I really really love you, even though I know I’ll never be worthy of the gift from God you are to me.
I’ll keep trying every single day to do better, because you are dappled gold sunlight on a warm spring day.
You are the love of my life and I would give every last breath tying my soul to this body to bask in the warmth of your smile for just one day more.